Helping Children Build a Healthy Relationship With Screens: What Actually Helps (Especially for Children with ADHD)
This article is part four of a four-part series exploring children, ADHD, and technology—from understanding why screens can become so compelling to building healthier digital habits. If you’d like to explore the full conversation, I invite you to read the other articles in this series. You can find them in the Related Articles section at the bottom of this page.
"I feel like all we do is talk about screens."
A parent said that to me recently.
"Every evening it’s the same conversation. Turn it off. Five more minutes. Time’s up. Not yet. We’ve tried timers. We’ve tried consequences. We’ve taken things away. And honestly, I’m exhausted."
I imagine many parents know exactly what that feels like. After a while, it can stop feeling like you’re simply managing screen time. It can start to feel like screens have become the focus of your relationship with your child. And that’s a difficult place for any parent to be.
If you’ve been following this series, we’ve spent the last few articles looking at children’s relationship with technology from a different perspective. We’ve explored why screens can become so meaningful. We’ve looked at why some children—especially children with ADHD—may be more vulnerable to developing problematic patterns. And we’ve talked about how to recognise when screen use may be starting to interfere with sleep, relationships, learning, or wellbeing.
Now we arrive at the question that brings many families to this conversation: “What can I actually do?”
It’s a fair question. It’s also where many conversations about screen use become too focused on the screen itself.
The advice often sounds familiar: Set stricter limits. Reduce the hours. Take away the device. Use more consequences.
While boundaries absolutely matter, they are not the whole answer.
If a screen has become your child’s main source of relaxation, connection, confidence, or success, removing it doesn’t automatically create those experiences somewhere else. It simply removes the place where your child was finding them.
Over time, I’ve become less interested in asking: “How do we get children off their screens?” And much more interested in asking: “How do we help children build lives that make them want to look up?”
That’s a very different conversation. The goal isn’t to make screens the enemy. The goal is to help screens become one small part of a much bigger life.
Start With Understanding, Not Control
One of the questions I often ask families is: “What role is this screen playing in your child’s life?”
This is not because we want to excuse every behavior. Not because boundaries don’t matter. But because we can’t effectively change something we don’t understand.
Imagine a child who comes home from school and immediately disappears into a video game. It’s easy to see only the behavior: "My child is spending too much time gaming." But there may be another story underneath. Maybe school was exhausting. Maybe they spent the entire day trying to focus, remember instructions, manage frustration, and keep up. Maybe gaming is the one place where they don’t feel like they are constantly catching up.
Or imagine a teenager who spends hours talking with friends online. A parent might see: "They’re always on their phone." But underneath that may be: "This is where my child feels connected."
The question isn’t whether the screen is helping. Often, it is. The question is whether it has become the only place your child can access something important.
That distinction changes how we respond because instead of only asking: "How do we stop this?" we can begin asking: "How do we help our child build more ways to meet that same need?"
Help Your Child Find More Places to Feel Successful
This is one of the areas where I think ADHD is especially important. Many children with ADHD spend a surprising amount of their day working hard to meet expectations that don’t always come easily. Remembering. Organizing. Starting tasks. Finishing tasks. Managing frustration. Recovering from mistakes. Navigating social situations.
Often, they are very aware of the moments when things don’t go well. The homework that was forgotten. The assignment that wasn’t turned in. The morning routine that fell apart. The reminder they needed again.
Then they come home and enter a world where the feedback is immediate.
A game tells them: You completed the mission. You solved the problem. You improved. You succeeded. That feeling matters.
Rather than asking, “How do we take away the thing where my child feels successful?” I think a more helpful question is: “Where else does my child get to feel this way?”
This is a question I encourage parents to sit with.
If your child had to name three places where they feel capable, what would they say? Would gaming be one of them? That’s not automatically a problem. But what if it’s the only one? That gives us important information.
The answer isn’t necessarily finding a replacement activity that is equally exciting as a video game. Real life will rarely compete with a perfectly designed digital environment.
The goal is different. The goal is helping children discover: "I can do hard things." "I can improve." "I can contribute." "I have strengths."
For one child, that might come through sport. For another, it might be music, art, cooking, coding, building, animals, theatre, photography, or helping someone else.
Sometimes it’s not about finding the “perfect” activity. Sometimes it’s about noticing the small moments where your child’s strengths are already showing up.
A child who loves Minecraft might enjoy designing something in the real world. A child who loves strategy games might enjoy puzzles, chess, robotics, or problem-solving activities. A child who loves online communities might thrive when given opportunities to teach, lead, or help others.
The important question is not: "What activity will replace the screen?" It is: "Where else can my child experience the feeling they are getting from the screen?"
Build a Life That Gives the Screen Less Responsibility
One thing I’ve noticed in working with families is that screens often become responsible for many different things. They become the after-school decompression tool. The boredom solution. The reward after a difficult day. The way to calm down. The way to connect. The way to feel successful.
And when one thing is carrying that much weight, it makes sense that letting go feels difficult.
The goal, then, isn’t simply reducing screen time. It’s reducing the amount of responsibility the screen has.
A child who only has one way to relax needs more ways to relax. A child who only has one place to feel successful needs more places to feel successful. A child who only feels connected online needs more opportunities for connection in different parts of life.
Sometimes these changes are surprisingly small.
A family that starts walking the dog together after dinner. A parent who learns enough about a child’s favorite game to ask genuine questions. A weekly cooking tradition. A board game left on the table. A hobby that begins awkwardly but slowly becomes something your child feels proud of.
These moments may not look impressive from the outside but they are doing something important. They are quietly expanding your child’s world. The bigger their world becomes, the less pressure any one activity has to carry.
Make Transitions Easier, Not Just Stricter
One of the things I hear from parents most often is: "My child knows the rule. They know when screen time is supposed to end. They just won't stop."
This is such an important distinction. Sometimes we assume that if a child understands an expectation, they should be able to follow it. But knowing what to do and being able to do it are not always the same thing. This is especially true for children with ADHD.
Stopping a screen activity is not just about deciding to stop. It requires several skills working together: Shifting attention. Moving from something highly engaging to something less immediately rewarding. Managing disappointment. Starting the next task. Regulating emotions when something enjoyable ends.
These are executive functioning skills, and they develop over time.
So when a child struggles to turn off a game, it may not mean: "My child doesn't care about the rule." It may mean: "This transition is genuinely difficult for my child's brain."
That doesn't mean we remove expectations. It means we can support the skill we are asking them to use. A transition is not just an ending. It is a bridge between two activities. And some children need more support crossing that bridge.
For example, compare these two approaches. "Turn it off now." versus "You have ten minutes left. Think about where you want to stop. Do you want to finish this level or save your progress?"
The limit is still there but the child has been given time to prepare.
Another example: "You're done. Come do homework." versus "Gaming is finished. Let's grab a snack, take a short movement break, and then we'll look at homework together."
The second approach recognizes something important: Children don't just need to stop something. They need help moving toward something else.
This is one reason predictable routines can be so helpful. Not because children with ADHD need more rules but because they often benefit from having fewer surprises.
When a child knows: After school → snack → break → homework → screen time or Dinner → family time → shower → reading → bedtime there is less mental energy spent negotiating what happens next. Predictability creates a sense of safety. And safety makes flexibility easier.
Invite Your Child Into the Solution
One of the most powerful shifts I see families make is moving from: "How do I make my child stop?" to: "How can we solve this together?"
This does not mean handing over all decision-making. Children still need adults to provide structure and guidance. But especially as children get older, collaboration becomes increasingly important. A question I often encourage parents to ask is: "What makes stopping screens hard for you?"
You might be surprised by the answers.
A child might say: "I hate stopping in the middle of something."
A teenager might say: "I never know when I'll get to play again, so I want to keep going."
Another child might say: "When I turn it off, I have nothing to do."
Those answers give us useful information because now we're solving the actual problem. Maybe the child needs a clearer stopping point. Maybe they need a predictable time when they can return to the activity. Maybe they need help planning what comes next.
Sometimes children have more insight into their own struggles than we expect. They may not always have the skills to solve the problem independently but they often know what the problem feels like.
This is also where ADHD coaching principles can be especially helpful. Rather than assuming: "My child needs more motivation," we can ask: "What support would make this easier?"
That is a very different question. And it often leads to much better solutions.
Boundaries Still Matter
Because this conversation is about understanding children, I think it is important to say clearly: Understanding is not the same as removing limits. Children still need boundaries.
Sleep matters. Movement matters. School responsibilities matter. Family relationships matter.
There are times when a parent needs to say: "Screen time is finished for tonight." And hold that boundary. The difference is in how we approach the boundary.
A limit can communicate: "You are doing something wrong, and I need to take control." Or it can communicate: "I understand why this is hard, and I am still here to help you do what needs to happen next."
Children can feel the difference.
I often remind parents that boundaries and connection are not opposites.
Children actually need both. A child who feels understood is not a child who gets everything they want. A child who feels understood is a child who knows: "My parent sees me, even when the answer is no." That is a powerful place to parent from.
Progress, Not Perfection
One of the hardest things for parents is accepting that meaningful change is usually gradual. We often imagine success looks like: "My child now turns off screens happily every time."
That would be wonderful but real progress often looks much smaller.
A transition that takes twenty minutes instead of an hour. A child who needs one reminder instead of ten. A teenager who starts noticing their own patterns. A family that has fewer arguments about screens. A child who discovers a new activity they enjoy.
Those changes matter.
Healthy habits are built through repeated experiences, not one perfect conversation.
A Final Thought
Over the past four articles, we've explored this topic from many angles. We've asked: What problem is the screen solving? We've looked at why some children, especially those with ADHD, may find screens particularly compelling. We've talked about how to recognize when screen use may be becoming a concern. And now we've explored what we can actually do to help.
If there is one message I hope families take away from this series, it's this: The goal is not to raise children who never enjoy technology. Technology is part of the world they are growing up in. The goal is to help children build a life where technology is one meaningful part of something much bigger.
A life where they have places to feel successful. Places to belong. Places to relax. Places to be creative. Places to feel understood.
When a child has many ways to meet those needs, the screen no longer has to carry all of that weight.
And maybe the one question we can leave with is:
Not: "How do I get my child off the screen?"
But: "How do I help my child build a life they are excited to look up from?"
Children don't usually need less screen time. They need more reasons to want to leave the screen.
That's where lasting change begins.
Be well,
Judy Richardson-Mahre, MA ADHD-CCSP
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
ADHD Expert & Coach Parent Coach Educator
Related Articles
Part 2: It's Not About Willpower: Why Some Children Are More Vulnerable to Problematic Screen Use
