Parenting: Behavior is Communication

Parenting . . . it can be one of the most fulfilling and rewarding things in the world! And, for most, it is really hard! I spoke of “new beginnings” in December talking about New Year’s Resolutions! Having a new baby is the ultimate new beginning! There is so much hope, wonder and excitement!

Many people ask me what my best advice is for new parents and my response is “don’t let them walk and talk!”

This is when the difficulties begin! Once they learn to walk and talk, then they start to talk back, they start to have their own opinions, thoughts and desires, they start to make their own decisions and of course, they start to run away and do things that you may not like! That’s why we “baby proof” our homes – because they’re into everything! You can’t leave those little buggers alone for a minute!

Many kids get “sassy” and we as parents have to set boundaries to ensure that our children are learning how to be respectful, how to talk to friends, peers and adults appropriately.

However, many parents struggle with this. When kids are out of control or dysregulated, they may say things that are hurtful, inappropriate or downright mean! In addition, they may be acting out in a way that doesn’t make sense to us as parents!

One of the guiding principles of parenting is “Behavior is communication”!

We as parents hear what our children are saying and often take it at face value instead of looking at what is really happening. A child may say “I hate you” and what they’re really saying is “help me, I’m out of control and I don’t know what to do”. A child may say “I hate school” or “School is dumb” and what they’re really saying is “I’m really struggling in school, I don’t fit in, I don’t understand what the teacher wants, I can’t pay attention, I’m frustrated, down, sad . . . “

Many children struggle with identifying their feelings and developmentally they don’t have the words to articulate their feelings. So they lash out in an attempt to get their feelings out and heard. If we take those words or behavior at face value, we may miss the fact that our child is really suffering.

In addition to behavior as communication, Alfred Adler believed that all behavior has a purpose! He believed that all behavior is driven by our need for significance and belonging and it is goal directed – it has a purpose in moving us forward toward a goal, either short term, long term or somewhere in between. If we can discern the goal of the behavior, then we can more appropriately respond to the behavior.

Parenting is rewarding and fun! And it can also be hard and exhausting! If you are finding that you are dealing with a lot of dysregulated behavior and are having a hard time figuring out what is the goal or purpose of that behavior or what your child might be communicating, give us a call! We can help!

Note about the class!! Don’t miss out on the upcoming ADHD Education for Helping Professionals and Parents! Registration is still available for both in-person and virtual options. Click here to secure your spot now.

Judy Richardson-Mahre, MA, ADHD-CCSP
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
ADHD Expert & Coach
Parent Coach
Educator
612.930.3903