I Feel Like a Failure! Parenting Neurodivergent Kids Is Tough!
Dealing with someone who has ADHD or who’s brain is “wired differently” can be a challenge, especially when that someone is your child and their struggles appear to be “behavioral”. These children are often referred to as “neuro-divergent”.
Neuro-divergent is defined as: differing in mental or neurological function from what is considered typical or normal (frequently used with reference to ADHD or autistic spectrum disorders); not neurotypical.
“There are some things that neurotypical people just know or can figure out and that neurodivergent students may need to have a model for.
” At the beginning of this journey as my first child started to grow and act out, I got a lot of feedback from school, family, other parents and neighbors that implied that I wasn’t tough enough on my kids. This feedback ranged from a disapproving look or a scoff to an outright “you need to get those kids in line” or “you’re too soft on them”.
That was a tough pill to swallow. I’ve always prided myself on my competence. I strive to be the best and do my best in all things. (Yes, I’m a recovering perfectionist – one of the many gifts my children have given me!) I definitely was losing my confidence as a parent and started to feel like I had made a terrible mistake. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a parent!
All of us learn how to be parents by how we were parented and I grew up in a pretty standard healthy high-functioning family.
My parents created a home that was pretty structured and some would say “strict”. Beyond the structure, I had very loving parents who had to run a “tight ship” because there were 5 of us to keep track of and keep in line!
My parents were involved in our lives, we talked endlessly about our adventures and activities. Even as teens, we’d come home from a date or a night out with friends and my parents would be up and ready to hear about all the “goings on”. It wasn’t invasive, it was curious and inviting. They were genuinely interested in us as people and in our lives and they were supportive of some of the struggles and problems we faced offering advice when asked but otherwise giving us room to figure it out on our own. We confided in them because they had built a nurturing, open and accepting environment.
Part of setting this environment up was ensuring there were clear rules and boundaries around what was acceptable behavior, what wasn’t accepted along with outlining the consequences we’d face if we crossed the line. In general, I think my siblings and I were pretty compliant, neurotypical kids and we thrived in this environment. I’m not sure how it would have gone if any of us would have been neurodivergent like the kids I bore. So as I set out in my parenting journey, I might have been a bit over-confident! How hard could it be? It seemed so natural and “easy” for my parents!
Lo and behold, parenting compliant neurotypical kids isn’t easy and parenting neurodivergent kids is even harder! As I learned, I had to throw out much of what I thought I knew about parenting.
When I would received negative feedback, I took that to heart and spent lots of time reflecting, analyzing and trying to understand what was working and what wasn’t. I’m big into personal responsibility and some say I am “over-responsible”. One thing I did know . . . being “tougher” on my kids, laying down the law and pulling out the “I’m the mom so you will obey” didn’t work! It only caused my kids to rebel and escalate. As they escalated, I would escalate to try and gain more control and they would escalate further. It was a viscous cycle that was eroding my confidence and my connection with my kids and was creating a chaotic “out-of-control” home. I had to re-examine my parenting approach.
Learning about ADHD and how their brains work was critical in figuring out how to modify my parenting approach to fit the needs of MY family. I had to understand the struggles they were facing and the cause of those struggles to put the appropriate structure, rules and consequences in place. I had to rethink the traditional behaviorally focused parenting methods because this was a matter of immature brain neurology, not misbehavior!
Traditional behavioral approaches assume that positive consequences naturally promote good behavior and negative consequences discourage bad behavior. This approach is grounded in the assumption that the child has control over their behavior and therefore will be able to choose differently when consequences are enforced. In most cases with these kiddos that have ADHD or other neuro-divergence, they don’t have control over their behavior. They don’t have the neurological wiring and support necessary to help them do the “right” thing. They know they should, they want to, but their brain neurology is just not there or is not developed enough to support them! That’s a steep learning curve to climb and understand as a parent.
However, this is the key learning and understanding when dealing with neurologically diverse kids.
Neural pathways, also called Executive Functions, are developed over time and promote a child’s ability to manage their own behavior.
When dealing with ADHD, these neural pathways that are missing or lagging in development are responsible for all the self-management and self-control functions of the brain. These neural pathways are necessary for your child to manage their own behavior. If they are not there, no amount of punishment will impact them or help them manage their behavior.
It’s like asking a child who needs glasses to work harder or just apply themselves to read or see the “board” in school rather than giving them the tools (glasses) they need. In addition, the child doesn’t know the difference the glasses will make so they assume they are “broken” instead of just understanding that their eyes aren’t working properly and they need to apply a different approach or tool. To make matters worse, kids often take the feedback they receive very personally and that can become their identity which can be very damaging long-term.
Parents need to adopt a different approach to be successful in raising resilient kids that can learn to manage their own behavior. The emotional toll that it takes on an individual who is punished over and over for behavior they have no ability to manage is ultimately extremely discouraging and demoralizing!
Parenting a neurodivergent individual is difficult. Learning the mechanisms of the brain that impact them is absolutely essential to promote understanding and acceptance and give you vital information to inform your parenting approach! Then you can modify your approach to maintain connection, understanding, validation and ultimately teach them skills to manage their behavior and to develop resilience and grit. This is a much better long-term approach than forcing compliance to get through the day.
For more information on Parenting neurodivergent kids, click here to reach out to me and we can start the conversation. I can help identify those parenting approaches impacting your success and help you implement effective tools to connect and validate your kids while putting in necessary structure so you can let all of those other amazing gifts and talents shine through!
Judy Richardson-Mahre, MA, ADHD-CCSP
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
ADHD Expert & Coach
Parent Coach
Educator
612.930.3903
