Executive Function: A Reflection From Both Sides

There are days when I find myself switching roles without even noticing.

One moment I’m a mother in the kitchen, repeating the same instruction for the third time. The next moment, I’m the therapist in my head, quietly trying to understand what is happening underneath the behavior instead of reacting only to what I see.

Living in both worlds at once has changed how I understand people.

Because what looks like “simple behavior” on the outside is often something much more complex on the inside.

When knowing something isn’t the same as doing it

One of the most common things I hear—from parents, and sometimes from my own inner voice—is:

“If they understand what to do, why can’t they just do it?”

But research in ADHD shows that the challenge usually isn’t understanding. It’s the brain’s executive system—what helps us plan, start, and follow through on actions—working in a less consistent way, especially under stress (Barkley, 2015).

So what looks like “not trying” is often actually difficulty turning intention into action.

That small difference changes everything.

Executive function is a team of skills, not one ability

I used to think of executive function as one thing. Now I see it more like a small team in the brain working together to help us get through the day.

That team includes skills like:

• remembering what we’re doing (working memory)
• starting tasks switching between tasks
• pausing before reacting managing emotions

These systems are linked to brain networks in the prefrontal cortex and develop gradually over time (Diamond, 2013; Miyake et al., 2000).

And just like any team, things work best when everyone is coordinated.

When one part is struggling, everything can feel harder.

Working memory: when thoughts don’t “stick”

Working memory is the brain’s way of holding information just long enough to use it. It’s what helps us:

• follow instructions
• remember steps in order
• stay on track while doing something

When it’s overloaded, things can drop out mid-process. Not because someone didn’t listen—but because the information couldn’t stay “online” long enough to guide action (Baddeley, 2003).

I see this at home when a child walks into a room and forgets why they went there.

I see it in therapy when someone loses their train of thought halfway through explaining something important.

Switching gears and slowing down reactions

Two of the most important skills in executive function are:

• Shifting (moving from one task or mindset to another)
• Inhibition (pausing before acting or reacting)

Research shows these skills are often more difficult for people with ADHD, especially during transitions or emotional moments (Barkley, 2015; Aron et al., 2004). This is why transitions can feel so hard:

• stopping one activity can feel abrupt
• interruptions can lead to emotional reactions
• impulses can show up faster than reflection

It’s not that the person is refusing to shift. It’s that changing “mental gears” takes more effort than it looks like from the outside.

Emotions and flexibility

Cognitive flexibility is the brain’s ability to adjust when things change. It helps us:

• adapt when plans shift
• see more than one option
• recover when something doesn’t go as expected

This ability is linked to prefrontal brain networks that help us update our thinking in real time (Diamond, 2013).

When flexibility is harder—especially under stress—emotions can feel bigger and faster. A small change can feel like a much bigger disruption inside the nervous system.

I see this both at home and in my work. It’s one of the clearest reminders that emotion and thinking are not separate systems—they are deeply connected.

Self-regulation: more than “calming down”

Self-regulation is often talked about as emotional control. But in reality, it’s more than that. It includes:

• attention
• emotions
• impulses
• behavior toward goals

Research shows self-regulation works as an integrated system, not a single skill we can switch on or off (Zelazo & Carlson, 2012). So when someone struggles with regulation, it’s usually not about effort or discipline. It’s about the whole system being under strain.

The inner voice that helps us organize

Many of us rely on an inner voice that quietly guides us:

• “next step…”
• “don’t forget…”
• “slow down…”

This develops over time as children gradually move from external guidance to internal self-guidance (Vygotsky, 1986).

But not everyone uses this inner system in the same way all the time.

When stress is high or executive function is overloaded, people often need more external structure—reminders, routines, support—to stay on track. And that’s not dependence. It’s support for how the brain is working in that moment.

What this looks like in everyday life

When I put all of this together, what stands out to me is simple: Behavior is not just about effort or attitude. It’s the result of multiple brain systems working together in real time—often under pressure. So when things don’t go smoothly, it’s usually because one or more parts of that system are struggling:

• holding information
• starting tasks
• shifting attention
• managing emotions
• adapting to change

That’s also why someone can seem completely capable in one moment—and completely stuck in another. The environment and emotional load matter just as much as ability.

What I keep coming back to

In both my work and my home, I’ve learned to slow down my interpretation. Instead of reacting quickly, I try to ask: “What part of the system is getting overwhelmed right now?” That one question changes how I respond. It shifts me away from judgment and toward curiosity. And from there, support becomes more practical:

• breaking things into smaller steps
• adding structure
• slowing transitions down
• offering co-regulation instead of pressure

Not because someone can’t do it. But because the brain works better when it’s supported in the right places.

Closing thought

Executive function isn’t about being perfect or consistent. It’s about coordination. And coordination develops slowly, unevenly, and with support over time.

I see it in my work. I see it in my home. And I’ve learned to notice the small signs more than the big ones: the pause before the reaction, the moment something is caught earlier, and the return after overwhelm. Because those small moments are often where change begins. Not loudly. Not all at once. But quietly, in ways that eventually matter.

Judy Richardson-Mahre, MA, ADHD-CCSP
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
ADHD Expert & Coach
Parent Coach Educator
612.930.3903